tony the tiger

BBC SNUFF

we fund these sickos

the bigger picture #1

the bbc news website reveals scotland’s big picture.

it’s up to us to see the bigger picture…

mars attracts

i’ve spent the last month with my head down thinking way (near revelation street).

floods north and south of the border, right on top of it and nowhere near. the public* are still unwilling to leave the global house warming party we’ve all been forced to attend. joe and joanne are in the corridor having one more 4×4 for the road. there’s still people gassing in the kitchen turning icebergs into icecubes, chomping down on what’s left of the carbonara. and someone’s been in the toilet for over an hour chundering emissions.

as the temperature reaches lager-in-the-afternoon proportions. and the waters rise like a watery phoenix out the flames – also made from water**. we need to take steps. fast steps quickly. no time for ecological speed walking. it’s both feet off the ground people.

both feet off the ground. off the ground.

the phrase rebounded around my brain like a bouncy ball in the back of a van with shot suspension going over a cobbled street during a richter 9. i forgot to say large cobbles at that. once the ball had pinged its final pong it released a brain wave of tsunamic proportion.

mars

in the past living memory millions of pounds and countless pence has been spent each year going to mars. for what? to find water. what will they do with it when they find it? bring it back i bet. yet more water on earth. just what we need. (of course by that i mean almost the exact opposite.)

surely this time and money could be better spent on something else. like what? like killing two phoenixes with one heat resistant stone that’s what. combine the ‘find water on mars’ budget and the ‘stop houses going under water’ budget and then put the p.u.m.p.* initiative into action.

a pipe sucking up the excess HHO and sprinkling it over the red sands of the red planet (mars). a very flexible pipe capable of withstanding the 214 million miles distance variation we experience between us (here) and it (there) over the course of the year.
see diagram below which is not to scale.
(it might be but it wasn’t intentional.)

result = less water on earth + so much water on mars they’ll be sick of finding it.

also since mars is a bit boring we could send a few landscapers up there and add a koi pond. i’ve taken the liberty of producing a computerised mock up to assist building the martian marshland.

might need to design some bio-suit for the fish to survive.

UPDATE: done it

not sure of the cost for all this, that’s for the suits to work out, but surely no cost is too much, when the cost is costing the earth****.

UPDATE 2: just read that mr prof stephen hawking said in order to futureproof the human race we need to go to the next earth. that sounds like the words of someone who hasn’t just spent near £100 decorating their living room. count me out professor.
hawking also noted that the journey would take 50,000 years. now i’m aware he has lived beyond initial estimations but i’m thinking even he is being rather ambitious on this occasion.

…………………………………………………………………………………

* i’ve nothing against the public. some of my best friends are members of the public

** how can fire be made out of water? science doesn’t have all the answers. but try google

*** planets using mars p.u.m.p.*****

**** world bank estimate there’s $40.887 trillion in the world so it will have to be cheaper than that. or lose the koi pond

***** planets using mars p.u.m.p.******

****** planets using mars p.u.m.p.*******…

i’m not happy when it rains (and floods my flat again despite warning the council repeatedly of the blocked drain)

i’ve been neglecting this site for a while partly due to weather. here’s a short video my neighbour took of our flat experiencing said weather.

on and off the buses

last night i got me a bus ride.

when i approached the stop i pressed the button to get off and in big orange back lit letters bus stopping appeared but no bell sounded. however undeterred by this technological hitch, i stood next to the door excitedly waiting to alight.

as the bus approached the stop i felt something was wrong. i felt the bus was travelling too fast if it was going to stop anytime soon, and indeed i got the sense that stopping was the last thing on this bus driver’s mind. i looked at him in the mirror perched above his head and saw him staring back at me. in theory i should have been comforted by the knowledge he was aware of me poised excitedly at the exit. but his eyes were not smiling. and the bus was not stopping. as we flew passed the stop i turned back to the mirror but his eyes had left and were now fixed on the road ahead.

i decided that since the next stop was ages away i was not prepared to pull a macgillivray* so i thought i’d distract the driver temporarily to find out what the dickens and/or fuck? mr bus driver didn’t seem to want to chat at first. in fact ignored my presence and ignored questions about the brand new route that was unraveling before me. i didn’t hear a bell he grumbled. neither had i (it seemed we had much in common), but the light went on i explained. to which he then realised was beaming down on him from above. without warning he applied his brakes and the door opened. at last i was a pedestrian again. so some words of warning – beware of the bell.

*a friend who shall remain almost nameless (but this is his email – ianangus60@hotmail.com) wanted to get off a bus but didn’t press the button at all. it was a bus of two door design. one to get on. one to get off. as the bus stopped at his destination the driver opened the get on door but not the get off one. but playing it cool macgillivray remained calmly at the door as the bus drove off. he then tried hard to appear to all the other passengers that this was all part of his plan. he learned his lesson and after pressing the button got off safely at the next stop.

i’ve got more bus stories but feel two is enough for today/ever. if you want to hear more vote yes for yes and no for no.

zed’s not dead

i’ve just heard zed sing on the white stripe’s icky thump.
here’s an example of his earlier work.

less tooth

i was sitting down to a nice sunday lunch of walker’s ready salted squares when my teeth objected. but instead of wanting to talk about it in a grown up reasonable fashion, they decided to get all martyr like and sacrifice one of their brothers. or at least part of him.

the point was, and still is, uncomfortably taken. so off to the dentist on wednesday for the first time in 16 years. after following a strict routine of brushing twice whenever and rinsing my mouth with lucozade before bed i’m sure everything will be just fine.

i wonder if dentistry has changed much since i was a boy.
i suspect it’s all robots now. dishing out sweet tasting pills which make the teeth grow back like new.
yes. everything will be just fine.

bbc english

should someone from the graphics department go?

limmy: the early years